If you are a teenager reading this, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about your parents.  This is something they don’t want you to know.  In fact, if they read this first, they may hide this blog from you!

Before I tell you the secret, let me say the psychology books reveal your task as an adolescent: to separate from your parent(s).  This is the time in your life when you transition into adulthood.  That journey can be rocky, to say the least! 

In that transition, you have to create disequilibrium before you come to a new equilibrium, and that process often looks and feels chaotic.  No doubt about it, it’s tough for both you and your parents!

Here’s the secret

Okay, so what’s the secret I promised to reveal to you?  It’s this: your parents often feel unsure of themselves during this developmental task of separating.  They feel “at sea.”  Navigating the shoals of the parent-teenager relationship can cause them deep feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.  I know, because I parented three teenage sons.

We parents like to look as if we know what we’re doing.  We believe we’re supposed to be in charge.  If we admit our inadequacies, we fear you won’t respect us.  We feel embarrassed and guilty when you “act out” because we fear others will judge our parenting negatively.  So we fail you by not telling the truth about what’s really going on with us.

I recall a time when my husband and I denied a request made by one of our sons.  He was 14 or 15 years old at the time, and he expressed a lot of anger at our denial. As he argued with us, I could see how the situation could escalate into a huge power struggle.  I felt confused about our decision to deny him.

Why it works

In the midst of my confusion, I became honest – really honest.  I said to him, “You know, you’re our first-born, and we’ve never parented a teenager before.  We’re really making it up as we go along.  We may be mistaken in how we’re dealing with this situation.  Right now, though, this is what seems best to us.  So we’ll go with it, and if we find out we’re wrong, you’ll be the first to know.  And no matter what it looks like, we’re on your side.”

This admission defused our son’s anger.  I could see it drain out of him.  Maybe it helped him to know his parents are people, too – people who make mistakes and sometimes feel unsure of themselves.  He could relate to that.

Now, chances are your parents don’t usually admit their feelings of inadequacy when it comes to dealing with teen-parent conflicts.  That’s okay.  Hopefully it helps you just to know, behind the front of certainty and being “right,” your parents often have the same feelings you do.

Don’t tell them I told you.