Enjoy this video, and if you would like to read an article on the same subject, here it is:

Recently, I talked with a woman – I’ll call her Nancy — who told me she and her husband, “Jim,” had an interaction about their differing views on pandemic do’s and don’ts.  He doesn’t believe in wearing masks.  She wants to maintain peace with neighbors by making sure they wear them when walking in the neighborhood. 

Then there’s my husband and me.  When the pandemic lock-down first started, we had differing opinions about the degree to which we should close the borders of our house. 

Conversations about these issues can be charged with emotion, weighty with issues related to life and death.  Interactions become especially loaded when we feel we have to agree on a solution.  When we make our case that my way is the right way, we invite resistance and arguments.

To avoid this, hang these words in a prominent place where you can read them frequently:

The most useful goal in communication is to listen, not necessarily to resolve an issue. 

What if we abandon the desire to come to an agreement?  What if, instead, we focus on hearing each other?  Rather than insisting our partner agree with us, we choose to listen and understand. What miracles might unfold when we do?

I recommend the following guidelines for conversations about charged subjects:

• Listen with no interruption as your partner expresses his/her thoughts and feelings. If you respond at all, do so with questions for clarification.  Or give feedback about what you heard to make sure you understood. 

• Delete the need to be right.

• Release the pressure to reach a resolution.  After each of you has spoken, allow the matter to incubate, and go about your daily business. 

Jim and Nancy decided to follow these guidelines, giving each other time and space to do nothing more than to express their views.  Later, they went for a walk in their neighborhood.  Happily and with no complaints, Jim wore his mask.   

In the days after my husband, Steve, and I listened to each other, we allowed the question about letting people into our home to reveal the answer in its own time.  The result? As with Jim and Nancy, our decision about this pandemic rule flowed organically and peacefully out of listening and allowing the question to have an incubation period. 

Spill-over benefits

As a result of listening, we develop trust in the power of the honor and respect that the incubation period creates. Even if it seems like nothing goes on during that time, transformational magic works silently beneath the surface.

Deep and genuine listening allows us to receive the other’s heart and soul, and we solidify our connection. However, because opinions and feelings change, we must continue the process. Steve and I keep listening and speaking our truth. Even when we do it imperfectly, we still offer each other the gift of listening.