When I first began raising my children, I determined to do a better job at parenting than my parents had done with me.  So I attended a class called “Systematic Training for Effective Parenting” (STEP, by Dinkmeyer and McKay).   I learned how to do something there that neither my mother nor my father had done with me. 

I learned a skill called reflective listening.  It teaches us to avoid talking to our children (nagging, criticizing, threatening, lecturing, advising, probing, etc.). Instead, we talk with our children, fostering mutual respect between us.  

Reflective listening allows our children to express themselves honestly without fear of criticism or rejection from us.  It doesn’t mean we need to agree with them.  We demonstrate respect by genuinely listening with an accepting attitude, free from anticipating their negative reactions.

What is Reflective Listening?

In reflective listening, we tune in to what the child might be feeling.  We ask ourselves what his feelings and needs are underneath what they actually say.  Then we state that back to the child. 

In this way, we provide a mirror for our child in which she can see herself reflected more clearly.  Our reflective listening enables her to understand herself and her responses better.  It draws out her willingness to talk and process what she feels and experiences.

An Example of Reflective Listening

For example, your child storms into the house, stomps into his room, and slams the door.  You have a couple of choices in how you respond.  You can say, “Don’t you know that we don’t slam doors around here?  Now come back here and do it again — without slamming!”  Or you can say, “It seems like you’re feeling pretty angry right now.”

If you were a child, which response would cause you to want to talk about your feelings?  The latter one, of course, which is a beautiful example of reflective listening.  It expresses acceptance rather than judgment. Such a response supports your child to increase his emotional vocabulary.  It encourages him to look inside himself at his emotion and to give a name to that emotion – anger.

Suppose he chooses to talk with you about what’s bothering him: “Yeah, Billy promised he would play with me after school, then he went to Mike’s house instead. He told me to get lost!

Avoid Lecturing

A lecturing response would be:  “Well, you can’t expect things to go your way all the time. Get over it!”  Using reflective listening, you could say, “I’ll bet that makes you feel really mad that Billy abandoned you like that.” 

If we often criticize and nag, our children, they may not open up right away when we respond with a reflective listening response.  We can let that be okay.  We make your reflective listening statement and leave it alone, allowing him to choose silence.  The more we practice reflective listening, the more our children will learn to trust our response is genuine.  Our listening will be rewarded with increasing trust.

To use this tool well, we must know and accept our own feelings. Then we talk about our emotions with our children.  “When you fell down the stairs, I felt really scared!”  You thus give the message that it’s okay to feel fear and to talk about it.  And you again encourage your children to develop their own feeling vocabulary.   [Other examples?]

If we use reflective listening consistently, we will find that our relationships with our children will improve.  We will see less drama and more mutual respect. 

It worked with my three sons!