There must have been at least five mother-daughter pairs among the 30 women who attended the Possibility of Woman workshop in Sedona.   

I watched Dr. Carol McCall, a Master Coach and the creator of the workshop, support these mothers and daughters to become clean and clear in their relationships with one another. 

Clean and clear communication

One mother stated, “My daughter and I are soul mates.  We’re so much alike!”  The mother had created a symbiotic relationship, using her daughter to allay her fears of being alone.  If the daughter entertained opinions different from her mom’s or wanted to pursue a career with which her mother disagreed, she felt guilty. 

Dr. McCall worked with this mom to grant her daughter the emotional and psychological space to live life as her own person. 

Another pattern arose between more than one mother/daughter pair: giving unsolicited advice.  The mothers mistakenly believed that this behavior encouraged their daughters.  During the workshop, they began to realize that it actually discouraged them, resulting in the daughters’ withdrawal and resentment.  The advice-giving also fueled arguments. 

Dr. McCall coached the younger women, the receptors of motherly advice, to speak the truth to their mothers.  This may sound like, “I’m capable of making my own decision; please don’t offer me advice unless I ask for it”.  Or “When you offer me unsolicited advice, I feel resentful.” 

Dr. McCall encouraged mothers to ask permission before offering their opinion (“May I offer you something about that?”), and to respect the answer if it’s no.

Becoming authentic

When I worked with Dr. McCall as my coach and mentor, she talked about the importance of mothers quitting the habit of relating to their grown daughters as if they were still children.  Instead, she encouraged them to communicate as one woman to another. 

If we have daughters, changing this pattern involves a willingness to relate to them, not from a mother role, but from our authenticity.  It means engaging as one woman to another rather than as parent to child.  It involves practicing the art of truth-telling, defined as simply speaking our thoughts and feelings in a clean, clear way.  

As moms, if we develop these three habits – give them space to be their own women, refuse to offer unsolicited advice, and relate to them woman to woman, we will create new and healthy patterns.

With these new patterns, we will experience satisfaction in our mother/daughter relationships we may not have thought possible.  And it can last a lifetime!